After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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