I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
