We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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