I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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