On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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