he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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