It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize