My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
