my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
