After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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