if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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