Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
