Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
