the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
