Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
