When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
