That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize