we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The uberlube is also flammable
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize