Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
