mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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