saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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