if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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