Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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