you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just invented taco cereal.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
