Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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