YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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