we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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