hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
