just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
