I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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