I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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