The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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