the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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