i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
