i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
