I've blown a few things in my day
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
