Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
