I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
