a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
