I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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