I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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