Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
