When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
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