Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
