sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize