then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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