His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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