I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
