A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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