If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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