hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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