So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
