I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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