She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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