I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
