I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
