Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
