Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
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