No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
